Wednesday, Apr 30 2008

i’m free!

free from the gripping hell that has tortured me for the past two months! words can’t describe the joy that is errupting from the depths of my heart.

it just occurred to me how there might be a small possibility that all this blog ranting isn’t getting to the correct recipient. i’d like to think it is because well, a person like that could only indulge in a few activities. and on that note, let me just say that since taking action, i have decided that you are far from salvation and seriously aren’t worth any more of my effort. so much for repentance. your thick skull won’t even let sense through it.

she’s right, i will do well in the real world out there because i am simply a cold, ruthless, unfeeling killing machine.

but i am very proud of that.

from the time i knew i could profile people, i spent days on ends predicting behaviours, deciding outcomes of situations. i still do it today. this has become a part of who i am, a constitutional aspect of me that what most people term as a natural emotional defense. i choose to see it as an offense.

for most of my later life (up until this point in time), the people i interact with are largely those who can see past themselves and their shortcomings to reach the conclusion that while i am an asshole and potentially manipulative, my intuition and intellect enable me to guard those around me fiercely.

because i will fight for what is right and i will fight until my last breath. when all is said and done i will make sure nothing is left in my path. because that’s who i really am, a cold, ruthless, unfeeling killing machine.

a son of a bitch.

and dear ms sara saw that. she knew what was going on the entire 3 years. deep down she probably disliked me. because i destroy rainbows and taint lilies.

that’s okay, i still hold dear the people close to me, and even if that number dwindles every day i couldn’t be more concerned. i’ve gotten to know some pretty amazing people in my time and have experienced what i think is the best of both worlds.

i’ve seen people from different classes and all walks of life and have interacted with them on a daily basis.

my point is simple, i don’t give a shit what you or anyone thinks about me, because i know what i think about me and i know i possess the capability to make you feel like the biggest fuck in the whole world.

that’s why I’m ready to head into the real world. anytime.

Leave a Response »

 

selfish bastard Thursday, Apr 17 2008

it’s a human tendency to put people who are of ‘higher’ status down. it’s my tendency to put people i’m competing with down, subject to a myriad of factors of course.

not that i really give a shit about morals.

it’s just like an obsessive compulsion to deliver the sadist in me.

no, i’m not mentally ill.

let us pray that i don’t meet that fucker who makes counting to 3 look difficult.

because then i’d have the power to make 2 people’s lives so miserable.

 two days ago, i sat down and poured my bitter heart into a long and angry post about my angry feelings and my frigging problems.

and then my laptop decided to die on me.

at first i was annoyed, and really really pissed off. then it suddenly dawned on me; how unnecessary all this drama was, and how absolutely ridiculous i was being in getting this affected by it. yeah, it is true that a plague has decided to plonk its fat ass down on my life for god knows what reason, and yes, it is true that this particular plague won’t go away till it manages to see the light of day through its crack in its butt.  then again, why get so worked up over something and over someone so terribly small-minded and petty?

as the mother said, i don’t need this job at all. i don’t need the money. I don’t need this shit happening to me. i shouldn’t need to stand for all this prejudiced crap just because some loser can’t get over herself and deal with the fact that there are other more important things in life to worry about. most of all, i shouldn’t have to tolerate being treated like a child day after day because of virtually nothing.

in any other situation, i wouldn’t have stood for it. in any other situation, right now, that person would be so far down in the ground that she wouldn’t see the light of day for the next hundred years. it just so happens that in this situation, i’m letting that person dig her own grave. i’m not saying i’m backing down, but we’ll just wait and see.

in other news, everyone around me seems to be going nuts over which university to choose, where to apply to, where to go, all that jazz you know? i’m not saying i don’t give a shit about anyone else but it’s hard for me to emulate all that joy/tension/incredible egotist sense of achievement and/or failure when i’m so far past that stage of worry and waiting. so yes, i’m happy/sad for you all but i’m becoming a little numb to it at the moment. all unis just look the same to me right now, in this period of never-ending waiting.

so i’ll just take it slow and easy now. no point getting my knickers in a twist. life’s too short to get bothered by pathetic meglomaniacal idiots.

Leave a Response »

 

Saturday, Apr 5 2008

my list of things-to-do is growing ever longer while the amount of procrastination that’s building up is growing ever larger. that’s not a very good combination at all.

over the past few days, the past few very blurry days, there isn’t much that i can distinguish. that is to say, every single event seems to blur itself into the next. i don’t know if this is a sign of a much-too-hurried life or just really bad short term memory. knowing myself, it’s most likely the latter. nonetheless, i can somehow pick out little feelings of love and giggles and occasionally strong urges to strangle a certain someone. thankfully, the love and giggles successfully drowned out the need for murder.

work has been the same as always. although with the bugging from everyone about “why haven’t you quit yet?!”, i’m starting to feel pressure in said direction. i guess it’s time for me to draw up that old infamous list of pros and cons. surprisingly, the urge to throw  in the towel is steadily becoming lesser as the days draw on in that damned pit, but then there are always those other factors which make not working there largely more favourable than working there. i guess i never imagined that work politik would actually manifest itself as dramatically as it has. let me just say, it’s not pretty at all. i wish i could be more straightforward about all this because writing the way i am now is pissing the pants off my butt, but sadly, it’s not really possible unless i wish to get dooced.

does anyone else find that one republic song “stop and stare”, irritatingly irritating? i mean, geez, get your butt off the charts already. on that note, i am also equally sick of one-liner punch lines which don’t have much punch at all.

Leave a Response »