Thursday, Oct 9 2008

this post is dedicated to you. i think you do read my blog and this is the best avenue for me to express. i am just typing out what i felt earlier when i was talking to you. this doesn’t mean anything okay. so.. yeah..

why would you want to be someone else when you know you could be better by being yourself. why pretend to be someone you are not when you have something they haven’t got? there is always a special thing in each individual. you might not notice it but others do. it could be a simple and minor antics but it still counts. cheating yourself of the life you have to live now deprives others of that only which you can give.

i am pretty sure you have much more to offer by being just you. be yourself and let your qualities show through. others will love you more for being just you. remember that the Almighty loves you just as you are.
to Him you are already a bright shining star. family and friends will love you more too.

if someone should hurt you and say a thing unkind, remember what i write you and keep these thoughts in mind. for everyone who makes you cry, there are three who make you smile and a smile will last a long time.
don’t let someone who hates the world/life or whatever cause you to hate it too. if someone said a thing that’s cruel, don’t let it get to you. think! your achievements are greatly numbered and your faults are very few. so if a certain person should act a certain way, think of those who love you and don’t let it spoil your day.

have a good day later and take care of yourself.

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Tuesday, Oct 7 2008

i swear the previous post right there was supposed to be the last of it all. supposed to document the proof that there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. because i just don’t finish everything i start out to do. because i eat everything with ketchup and mustard.

so there, here i am again, (un)willingly. it all started with me reading through what i wrote before, and then slowly realising what i could achieve with 26 characters, and before you can impregnate yourself, HERE I AM AGAIN!

this time though it’s going to be a little bit different. instead of trying to be different, instead of trying to improve the way i write, instead of trying to be organised, instead of trying to go with the flow, instead of doing everything else instead, i am going to do whatever i want, and whatever i don’t want.

that’s right, you can already begin to sense the internal conflict.

next, i would like to talk about self-worth.

it starts simply with a life-changing event. something to jolt a lifestyle into an out of the ordinary routine. the brain starts to question its ability to handle the pace of the event. meanwhile, the heart also deals with whether it can cope with the outcome of the situation. the brain is usually left hopeless in the face of distress and starts to reject new information. the heart concurs with the brain and begins a systematic shut down of the entire nervous system. the brain believes it is suffering from a psychological attack and requires external confidence to overcome it.

some people rely on friends. others rely on their inner concentrated strength. whatever the source, the brain feeds on the external inspiration in order for it to function again. sometimes it is able to bounce back into action. sometimes there is collateral damage and either the brain or the heart, or both suffer massive attacks.

there is a saying that goes, “that that doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger”. true, the brain’s reflex is now strengthened. true, the heart is better prepared to receive another life-changing situation.

unfortunately, the brain conducts an after action review and questions its self-worth. during this time, the person will either feel totally like shit, or only a little like shit. if confidence is shattered, the brain would be dead. if emotional stability is rendered unstable, the heart would be dead. either way, that that doesn’t kill you, has only left you dead.

so you see, it’s not how many friends you have that makes you a happy person. it’s how you react to an emergency situation and its consequences on the people around you, that make you a happy person.

i miss my sister.

i am in need of a girlfriend. i only look for one criteria. she has to be educated. i hate stupid girls like you. you are considered stupid to me. not only that, you are lame.

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Wednesday, Sep 10 2008

rRecently, i just can’t help getting the feeling of trepidation when i think about the little time i have left here before i leave for UK for 3 months. i know, i’ve done it before, it’s supposed to be easy as pie. but really, it’s not this time. Iim excited, yes. then again, i’m deeply sad that i have to leave certain things and people behind for such a long time. especially you.

moaning aside, the internship is still going strong and fabulous. i have a high court hearing on wednesday so that should be titillating.

if anyone happens to have the full piano score for John Legend’s P.D.A. (We Just Don’t Care), PLEASE, i implore you, bestow it upon me. i have been searching and searching to, sadly, no avail.

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Tuesday, Jun 17 2008

it was a huge success. i didn’t expect you to come. thank you jo.

recently i landed myself in a rather compromising situation. stuck between a rock and a hard place, is what people would term it i believe. point is, having asked some people about what their solutions would be, i would say i’m competing with rather uncreative people for jobs. at the end of the day, i guess it doesn’t matter too much whether i get that masters or not.

recently also i interviewed this lady for the position of finance manager. she has all the criterias that i wanted. she’s sophisicated and most important of all, she looks smart and intellectual. sexy, aye? just kidding. her name is erina. to confirm again whether she will be the one suitable for that post, i asked her this question…

you are driving down an empty road one rainy night and you chance upon a bus stand. you see 3 people;

a) your best friend whom you owe a favour,

b) an old woman who needs a doctor quickly, or

c) the love of your life.

assuming your car only has space for 1 person, who would you take and why?

her answer was…  i’d let my best friend drive the old woman to a hospital and spend the rest of the night with the love of my life.

BINGO!

i’m quite sure you don’t get workers with brainstorms like this back here.

nehoos, i’ve something for you guys to work out for me.. here it goes…

guy a and guy b are best friends. a girl only has 1 day to live and wishes to kiss a guy. between the both of them, she would rather pick guy a over a. she approaches guy a but he requests for more time to consider. guy b, however, readily accepts her proposal, on the condition that he informs guy a, so that a doesn’t have to make a decision. guy b is also pushy about the girl accepting his offer quickly. in this situation, the girl has to pick one of either guys. if she’s lucky, guy a accepts and she gets what she wants. if guy a doesn’t say anything or says no, however, how can she manipulate guy 2 to wait for her and accept her?

you have something to say? text or call me.. pleasee…

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Friday, Jun 13 2008

marshall, i just read your comment again and this time i want to reply. it was a boxing event. white collar; charity boxing. i wasn’t well dressed. i was from work and that is how i normally dress. stop going around and spread rumours about me being gay. there is absolutely nothing wrong with me being single. i just pefer it that way, can’t i? i am not angry but just setting things straight. thanks for all the messages from my ex tcc colleagues who couldn’t understand my previous post. sorry if its too difficult for you guys to understand. simply because you guys are a bunch of mat and minahs. i just hate you guys. i am typing all these in simple english and i am pretty sure you understand. i am having an open house at my new address this weekend. everyone’s invited to come and if you guys would want to come by, just text me and will give you the address. if you are lucky enough, i might just bring you around on my yacht. i can bring you guys to one degree 15 for lunch too. don’t ask me why i am suddenly doing this gathering. i’ve not met some of you guys for soooooo long and also i just feel like it. thanks a bunch to sarah for that parcel. appreciate it so much if you could head down to cove too. i want to show you around and don’t forget your junior.

it’s not my time
I’m not going
There’s a fear in me
It’s not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
But, It’s not my time
I’m not going
There’s a fear in me
Now I know that
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Oh, I won’t go
I won’t go

 

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Wednesday, Jun 4 2008

it’s been a while since i last wrote about anything. particularly because the last week or so has seen me getting busy with the profile of chief, a la unsung hero. also interesting in my life is the introduction of a self-proclaimed victim of anxiety disorder. both are getting profiled as you read this.

add to that, i’m charting out my course of action for the next few weeks once the audit is over. there’s no other way to go about this other than to actually experience it for a week before deciding whether i should post out. if all goes well, i should be able to continue leading a smooth life.

i think i need panadol soon.

the lack of pride you say? or the presence of a highly delusional pride arising out of stupidity?

i really can’t imagine living with a kidney. bad enough i have poor immune system.

fuck it.

i want to go to the singapore flyer. she’s already  been there and seems like she doesn’t want to go there with me.

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Tuesday, May 20 2008

7 may 2008

this marks the end of the 2008 nus school of law and medicine admissions process.

damn i’m happy. in a very nonrandom way.

this year’s competition proved to be cut throat, intense and highly manipulative. i found the level of intelligence in any single sitting quite dizzying. 30 students in any given room would outweigh the entire of YOUR JC population. hahaha!

in any case, now that it’s over, i have to embark on the next round of my life; work! those from beyond our shores. not entirely looking forward to it, but since i’ve already written (point of contention hehe) 658347438964 personal statements, guess life would be easier.

i’m on leave today, because of my stupid and useless kidney that needs to be thrown away; lliterally! the most amazing thing in my life that’s ever happened to me.

i miss the girl living at toh guan road driving a sparky –

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Saturday, May 3 2008

i can’t believe that i am spending my saturday night lying on the bed! thanks to my dearest sister for the infection of stomach flu – it suck balls to be having this damn sickness – you just have no mood to eat or do anything – you just want to lie down and roll around so that you can get this unnecessary air in your tummy out – while i was cleaning my room i saw the interview forms i had when i was being called for concurrent or double degree programme for law – haha!

it was definitely one of the best interviews i’ve ever sat through!

to clarify, when i classify an interview as fantastic, it’s only because i felt that the interviewers were thorough and doing their job, i.e. the interview was very intense. not because everything went smoothly. in fact if everything went smoothly, i’d consider the interview to be way too boring.

anyways, there were two rounds of interviews, the first being conducted by the teaching staff and the latter being conducted by school alumni and lawyers. the former round of interview was simple enough, although i caused a stir when i mentioned my interest in medicine. haha! i was asked three times, in three different ways, what brought about my interest in the field. apart from that, i handled the most grueling interviewer with ease and was in control for almost the entire interview.

the second round of interview was more interesting. i swear that my interviewers were extremely smart people and i could tell straight away that every single action of mine was not only scrutinized, but psycho-analysed. i suspect one of them was actually a practising psychiatrist. hahah like what is he there for right –  in any case, they really grilled me on all my opinions – on whether i thought abortion should be legalised, on whether i think stem cell research should be condoned. for most of the interview, i managed to smoke consistency, and i also suspect they could tell that smoking is an art not to be frowned upon. one of them commented that i came across as a cynic, and while i agreed, i said that i don’t impose changes on unwilling people.

the final bonus round came when i had to defend my place in the school when there were 3000+ applications but only 250 places. and while i knew that any answer i gave would be shot down with the response of “so does every student who applied”, i had to think fast and chose to take a risk. one that portrayed a highly self-confident image. and if i get rejected? only because they didn’t want people with too high of an opinion of themselves 

hahah – the PAST

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Wednesday, Apr 30 2008

i’m free!

free from the gripping hell that has tortured me for the past two months! words can’t describe the joy that is errupting from the depths of my heart.

it just occurred to me how there might be a small possibility that all this blog ranting isn’t getting to the correct recipient. i’d like to think it is because well, a person like that could only indulge in a few activities. and on that note, let me just say that since taking action, i have decided that you are far from salvation and seriously aren’t worth any more of my effort. so much for repentance. your thick skull won’t even let sense through it.

she’s right, i will do well in the real world out there because i am simply a cold, ruthless, unfeeling killing machine.

but i am very proud of that.

from the time i knew i could profile people, i spent days on ends predicting behaviours, deciding outcomes of situations. i still do it today. this has become a part of who i am, a constitutional aspect of me that what most people term as a natural emotional defense. i choose to see it as an offense.

for most of my later life (up until this point in time), the people i interact with are largely those who can see past themselves and their shortcomings to reach the conclusion that while i am an asshole and potentially manipulative, my intuition and intellect enable me to guard those around me fiercely.

because i will fight for what is right and i will fight until my last breath. when all is said and done i will make sure nothing is left in my path. because that’s who i really am, a cold, ruthless, unfeeling killing machine.

a son of a bitch.

and dear ms sara saw that. she knew what was going on the entire 3 years. deep down she probably disliked me. because i destroy rainbows and taint lilies.

that’s okay, i still hold dear the people close to me, and even if that number dwindles every day i couldn’t be more concerned. i’ve gotten to know some pretty amazing people in my time and have experienced what i think is the best of both worlds.

i’ve seen people from different classes and all walks of life and have interacted with them on a daily basis.

my point is simple, i don’t give a shit what you or anyone thinks about me, because i know what i think about me and i know i possess the capability to make you feel like the biggest fuck in the whole world.

that’s why I’m ready to head into the real world. anytime.

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selfish bastard Thursday, Apr 17 2008

it’s a human tendency to put people who are of ‘higher’ status down. it’s my tendency to put people i’m competing with down, subject to a myriad of factors of course.

not that i really give a shit about morals.

it’s just like an obsessive compulsion to deliver the sadist in me.

no, i’m not mentally ill.

let us pray that i don’t meet that fucker who makes counting to 3 look difficult.

because then i’d have the power to make 2 people’s lives so miserable.

 two days ago, i sat down and poured my bitter heart into a long and angry post about my angry feelings and my frigging problems.

and then my laptop decided to die on me.

at first i was annoyed, and really really pissed off. then it suddenly dawned on me; how unnecessary all this drama was, and how absolutely ridiculous i was being in getting this affected by it. yeah, it is true that a plague has decided to plonk its fat ass down on my life for god knows what reason, and yes, it is true that this particular plague won’t go away till it manages to see the light of day through its crack in its butt.  then again, why get so worked up over something and over someone so terribly small-minded and petty?

as the mother said, i don’t need this job at all. i don’t need the money. I don’t need this shit happening to me. i shouldn’t need to stand for all this prejudiced crap just because some loser can’t get over herself and deal with the fact that there are other more important things in life to worry about. most of all, i shouldn’t have to tolerate being treated like a child day after day because of virtually nothing.

in any other situation, i wouldn’t have stood for it. in any other situation, right now, that person would be so far down in the ground that she wouldn’t see the light of day for the next hundred years. it just so happens that in this situation, i’m letting that person dig her own grave. i’m not saying i’m backing down, but we’ll just wait and see.

in other news, everyone around me seems to be going nuts over which university to choose, where to apply to, where to go, all that jazz you know? i’m not saying i don’t give a shit about anyone else but it’s hard for me to emulate all that joy/tension/incredible egotist sense of achievement and/or failure when i’m so far past that stage of worry and waiting. so yes, i’m happy/sad for you all but i’m becoming a little numb to it at the moment. all unis just look the same to me right now, in this period of never-ending waiting.

so i’ll just take it slow and easy now. no point getting my knickers in a twist. life’s too short to get bothered by pathetic meglomaniacal idiots.

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